So I think...

So I believe no one is promised tomorrow. But chances are good that I will see my son again, soon. As comforting as that sounds, that still does not take away the ache in my heart. That still does not keep me from asking on his behalf, daily. That still does not keep me from allowing tears to capture me daily. And that still doesn’t keep me from grieving.

So this makes me think about loss in a deeper way.  I struggle with my son being gone. Sometimes I sit and say to myself, “Goodness this is silly”. So many tears and he is just at boot camp. He will be back. We receive a weekly update on what our recruit is going through weekly. Not sure this is something a mother should read. So after I read, I think. Maybe my struggle is that I know what his struggles are and maybe that’s what makes it so hard.

Well this boot camp has impacted not just him but our family.  So much so, that we have had to join a support group to cope with this sadness. I struggle smiling. I struggle keeping a conversation. Especially with people that have nothing to say. No I’m not trying to be rude I’m just trying to be real. No one is perfect especially me! You know people that just speak to be heard but say nothing? Yes I try and add value to all but it seems to be a little harder than usual these days. There is just so much going on in this beautiful world of ours and I just don’t think we use our time and talents wisely by sitting around and chatting about things that don’t matter. We could be out there living intentionally, every minute of every day that we are on this earth. Living life in a way that makes other people’s lives better. Maybe like handing out Hope rather than taking it.

So because I am always trying to look at the bigger picture. I was thinking of the mother that has truly lost her son. I mean lost in a way that she will not see him until we are on the other side of glory. I can’t even wrap that around my mind. I have nowhere to put that thought.

Ok so this may get a little uncomfortable for you if you don’t know Jesus. But I have found that by sharing what I feel. Truly does allow me a way to get through my struggles. Please don’t continue reading if you don’t want to.

So I was thinking, when God saw us, His children messing up here on earth. He might have said to Himself, my kids need freedom, freedom from sin. He might have said (John 3:16), my children need me and I love them so very much that I’m sending my son, Jesus. The Father knew full well what Jesus struggles would be. This blows me away that He would still send Him. I think that we hear that so casually and it’s not. His son! He sacrificed His son! He sent us Jesus so that we might be free from sin. Wow talk about putting things into perspective. I deserved nothing and yet He saw me as worthy.

Next time I think I’m sacrificing something. I might look at what Jesus sacrificed for me. My faith keeps me going.

When your heart aches

So it’s been a while and as I walk my purpose in life, I find it more challenging to share my thoughts. Well that is until today.

If you know me you know my precious son JD left for boot camp early Monday morning. I can’t even explain how I feel about that. I did my best to ignore that he was even leaving. That is until Sunday morning. I wake early not knowing what to do. I wash clothes, do some dishes, vacuum, clean my bathroom, put some clothes away and well anything and everything that I can do to get my mind off my child leaving. Yes my child. We can’t assume to know unless it’s our child.

We are scheduled to attend church with JD this morning, as they will pray for him before he checks in at 3:00. I sit numb in a pew surrounded by many and yet I feel alone. Tears consume my face for no reason. I feel Jacob’s arms tenderly around me. The lights are dim and worship begins… in my Father’s house. A place where I seek refuge, a place of peace and acceptance.

I cannot comprehend the thought of boot camp for my son. This is not my desire for his life. Why can’t he be 6 again? I am his mother and I can no longer protect him from this world. I am broken and nothing makes sense. I sit waiting for God to hear my cry, the cry of a mother. And then gently a melody begins to play. “Lord, I come I confess. Bowing here, I find my rest and without you I fall apart. You’re the one that guides my heart. Lord I need you. Oh, I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense my righteousness. Oh God how I need you.”

I had no idea how literal these words would be for the days to follow. I am home after watching my children bid a farewell to their brother. This picture is forever painted on my heart. Few words are spoken as I hold my son. Broken, I am broken.

Jacobs embrace allows me sleep. I wake every hour and gently whisper, “Lord I need you, Oh I need you.” I wake with the same words in my mouth. I go through my day and sometimes I can’t even get through a thought before again I cry out, “Lord I need you, Oh I need you.”

Does the hurt ever subside? I don’t know but I know I will see my son “in a little while”. How about the mother that has lost her son to a car accident? How about the child that has lost their parent to Alzheimer’s? How about the husband that has lost his wife to cancer? How about the mother that has lost her child to drugs? What am I doing to ease their hurt? What are you doing to ease their hurt?

In my distress friends and family have been in prayer for our family and have reached out through email, phone and text. So this makes me think. My struggle is but a mere wink when measured to a hurting world. So because God doesn’t waste my tears, what can I learn? I can live my days with intent and love those who are hurting. Isaiah 61 says “He has sent me to heal the broken hearted”. Yes, God is telling us once again to love.

Even in the cloudiness I wake to. I cling to my faith and I am reminded that He loves me and allows me “uncommon strength.” In my life and my sons life Jeremiah 29 :11 says “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Uncommon strength allows one to love like John 15:13 says “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends”. My son has “uncommon strength”. How many of us could love like this? I pray what my good friend prayed for me last night.  I pray that He will give you uncommon strength. Strength to love others even those that don’t look or live just like you.

 

If you are hurting these are for you, yes you.

1. Job 5:11: "He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn are lifted to safety."

2. Psalm 27:13-14: "I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be strong, and may your heart be stout; wait on the Lord."

3. Isaiah 41:10: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

4. John 16:33: "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But be of good cheer. I have overcome the world." 

5. Romans 8:28: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose"

6. Romans 8:37-39: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

7. Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit."

8. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

9. Philippians 4:6: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God."

10. Hebrews 13:5: "Let your lives be without love of money, and be content with the things you have. For He has said: 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.'"