"Champagne Runner"

What a day! After a busy day, I rush home to get miles in for my sister Dee #milesfordee. Grab some banana bread (don't judge me), change clothes, shoes on, grab my phone because who runs without their cellphone?! Umm ya... my phone is dead. So naturally I wait forever (20 minutes) for it to charge a little. Finally, I walk out the door only to notice the fierce clouds scowling down at me. The apparent storm doesn't scare me so I head towards the road anyway. I am walking and ready to listen to my new book. I bought Jen Hatmaker's new book, Fierce, Free and Full of Fire: The Guide to being Glorious You and I listen during my workout time. If you know me you know I am not a fan of Mrs. Hatmaker, sorry Jen. I am shy, quite, reserved and she is just a bit much for me.

Ok, so back story. Years ago I attended the No Need Among You Conference in Austin. One of the keynote speakers at this particular conference was Brandon Hatmaker. I had never heard of him before this conference. He took the stage and started with "I am sure you are disappointed that my wife Jen Hatmaker isn't here instead of me".  I wrote the name Jen Hatmaker in my notepad. Mr. Hatmaker went on to tell us a story. He said one Easter Sunday after preaching a million services his wife convinced him to go to a church service where a man by the name of Shane Claiborne would be preaching. When they arrived they climbed the stairs to a small, crowded upper room. Brandon continued his story. He spoke of love in a way that settled in the deepest part of my being. I was consumed by the way he spoke of my Jesus. At the end of this service Brandon said he and his wife found themselves taking their new Christmas boots off and leaving them at the alter along side the other shoes left by the others. Those good shoes were left there by people that said yes to God. Those good shoes were left for the homeless men and women that did not own a pair of shoes. I was a complete mess. Yes people it was the ugly cry. This story wrecked me and my life. I am not the same person I was before listening to this man named Brandon. I tell you I was brought to my feet and yelled silently within my being, yes, yes Lord yes. Read Barefoot Church by Brandon Hatmaker and look up Shane Claiborne. You will not regret it.

I would later research Mrs. Hatmaker. Ok so I was intrigued and bought her book, Interrupted. My research went as far as going out of my way to attend one of her live performances right here in Amarillo, Texas. I even lead a book study on a couple of her books. Through this thorough research I learned that sometimes a gently tug won't do. Sometimes God "interrupts" our lives with people like Mrs. Hatmaker, a woman brave enough to yell and brave enough to shove us right out of our comfort zone. Even though she is a bit much for me she has many truths we should all hear. Are you brave enough?

So now on to her new book. I have to admit she is growing on me and I am actually enjoying this read. Ok maybe swinging towards loving this book. Yes, I am even committed enough to listen to Mrs. Hatmaker speak for 10 hours!!!! Yes 10 hours. Lord speak to me however you wish by whomever you wish to speak to me through. I say yes.

Chapter 8 is titled "I want to choose my Yeses". What a concept to say yes to things we want and to do those things we say yes to without fear or with fear. No matter so long as we choose the Yes. The day I heard Mr. Hatmaker changed me and encouraged me to begin saying yes. I have been a Yes person since that day. I say say to the hard people. I say yes to the sad situations. I say yes even when I know I will fail. I say yes to serve all those no one else will. I say yes to being comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you have ever traveled with me you know I am a Yes person in the fun times too. Yes, lets have cheesecake in Southlake. Yes, lets have all the snacks in Junction before we make it to Mo Ranch. Yes, to the piano bar in Fayetteville. Yes, to the Peabody in Memphis. Yes, lets rent the convertible and drive the coast all the way to Laguna Beach. Yes, to the Opal Resort in Clearwater and yes to Maui every time yes.

I am a yes to serve, all people regardless of race, religion, gender or political affiliation. I am a yes to serve you regardless of what life has thrown at you. I pray Lord send me the people no one else will serve and those no one else will love. Lord yes to all the things and all the people. Mrs. Hatmaker book encourages us to say yes to all the things not in a way that would allow you harm but yes to things you want and are maybe to scared to say yes to. When will you start saying yes?

In this same book she also tells a story about sitting on a boat in her momma swimsuit sunbathing on a beautiful summer day.  Suddenly out of the corner of her eye she notices a newly wed couple, in their wedding attire, rowing a small boat towards the shore. Enough of the sunbathing so she leaps to grab a bottle of champagne from the fridge. She runs with the bottle and the champagne glasses in hand. She makes contact with them and embraces them as if they were hers. She loves without words and allows worth to strangers. No she didn't know them but she celebrated them anyway.

What if we were not only the Yes person that Jen talks about in her new book. What if we were the "Champagne Runners"too. Yes, the "Champagne Runners". What if we celebrated all people. In a world where we desire to qualify people as worthy before we acknowledge them or celebrate them. What if we celebrated people because they exist and because we are all neighbors in one way or another and we all matter. Yes, every single one of us matters.

Just a little rant. A couple of months ago I had a young man say to me that what I did at Living Intentionally Ministries did not matter. He said all I did was help a handful of people get their GED and that was nothing. Well it is not "nothing" to my students or to me. It is not nothing to their families or their children. It is something because they matter. I can not even imagine what it has taken my students to get to where they are today. We don't all travel the same road. So yes I will celebrate them when they register to work on their GED. I will celebrate them when they pass their Science test. I will celebrate them when they pass their Social Studies test. I will celebrate them when they pass their Language Arts test. I will celebrate them when they pass their Math test. I will celebrate them even even they don't pass. I will celebrate them for being brave enough to try. I will celebrate them when they attain their Driver License, at the age of 26. I will celebrate them when they attain employment at a local fast food place. I will celebrate them at every turn as I am a "Champagne Runner" and everyone matters to me. How about you? Will you be a "Champagne Runner"?

The Cartoon Artist

What an unsettling time in our world…huh. I am an introvert so by choice I want to stay home. It feels a little different when I no longer have the option of just getting in my car to go shopping or to go out to eat or to go down the street to get my nails done! So here I am, looking for ways to stay entertained without gaining 500 pounds. I am sure we are all getting creative as to how to stay busy and are probably all looking for ways to keep the anxiety and stress to a minimum. I am only on day two of quarantine and I’ve already tried a variety of ways to stay busy. I am not crafty and I don’t like to cook which means my choices on staying busy are limited. So, I have decided to pick up an old habit and no its not drinking and no you can’t come over, well not at this point anyway.

As you may know I am a writer and I love to write of the many ways I fail, in hopes to check myself and perhaps in hopes of helping others not make the mistakes I make on the daily. I have just not made time to write in the past two years. Yes, I have written in the past two years but it has been for work and that’s not the same as writing for yourself. If you are a writer you know what I mean. Yes, naysayers…I am a writer. Whew.. pause for a minute, perhaps I am a little testy so please bear with me or don’t. The nice thing about social media, blogs, movies, the news and so on is that we all have a choice to scroll by or to turn it off. So if you’re not a fan keep scrolling and FYI there is a delete button on Facebook too. Just saying. I assure you my kindness will return… eventually.

In 2010 I started writing every night before bed. Sometimes I would stay up till 1:00AM just writing. I did it for me. It was my time. It was my space. It was my solitude. I wrote to allow myself relief. Writing allowed me to empty my day and relieved me of the hurt, sadness and all the things unwanted for that day. About two years ago I got busy, my travel days doubled from an already busy schedule. I also had a hand in everything I could be a part of, so little by little I stopped making time to write. Looking back now I can see that is when I began to struggle.

Last month my family and I planned to attend an event in San Antonio. It was a gathering of about 30,000 people. My son, Josh sings and him and his classmates advanced to this most prestigious event. As a family, we made plans months ago to attend. Some of us were scheduled to drive and some of us were scheduled to fly. Whatever it takes, right. I am the organizer of all things travel so everything was in order and we were ready to go. As an introvert the anticipation of being part of an audience this large was daunting and I knew there would be a struggle. I know how to do this so I knew I would have to work really hard to be ok around so many people. To add to this stress , the Monday before we left I experienced a little bit of a breakdown. Ok, maybe not a little bit, it was a full blown melt down. I have been silently struggling for the past two years. Struggling mentally, spiritually and emotionally. All of this mess has been pressed down in the center of my being and on this particular day the flood gates seemed  to be giving way.

I remember that day was a busy day and that evening I was scheduled to teach a class on self-care. I know huh… how ironic. Driving home that evening everything just gave and I felt as my life came to a halt. No filter. No pretty cry. Just a raw form of weeping seeking some sort of wellbeing within the inner most part of my being. It was two days before we were scheduled to leave for San Antonio. I called my girls and my husband for support. Not even they knew of my struggles. If you had any interaction with me in the past two years you probably did not know I was struggling either. I am really good at keeping stuff to myself. So there is really no reason you would’ve known. Check on the people around you. We all have something.

A couple of years ago I wrote a book titled, Permission to Rest. It’s a great book and I wish I had done better about following the advice on the self-care chapters. But as my publisher says “writers typically write about what they struggle with”.

We leave for San Antonio as planned because after all the show must go on. There is certainly no time to whimper or to struggle. I am a mom, a wife and a Nama and stuff has to get done. My husband and I arrive a couple of days before the rest of the family so we had some time for rest and relaxation. It is important that you know God and I have not been in the best place for about two years. I’ve been upset with Him and we are not on speaking terms most of the time. Well, He is always talking to me but I am not listening. It’s true you guys, “if we draw nigh to Him, He will draws nigh to us”. In my most desperate times He sits right next to me. He holds true to His promise to “never leave me nor forsake me”. No matter how bratty I am being and no matter how I fail Him. He truly loves me. On my darkest days all I have to do is cry out and He leans in. Anybody out there know what I am talking about!??! Unfortunately, we as the church typically don't follow Gods lead. We don't understand when a Christian struggles mentally, emotionally or spiritually. We are quick to judge and are quick to question if the person struggling is praying enough, worshiping enough, involved in enough bible studies or may even suggest we might need to volunteer more. Really all I needed was to be loved. All I needed was to feel as if I was enough but instead I received “social distancing” instead. 

One afternoon while in San Antonio, my husband and I decide to take a stroll down the river walk. It was quiet and peaceful, not to many people. It isn’t long before we spot a “cartoon artist”, you know the kind of artist that draw an image of you and it looks like a cartoon. This particular artist happened to be a young Hispanic man. We take a seat and he begins to draw. I begin to ask questions of how he became an artist and he tells us of his journey. This young man overcame many obstacles to get to where he is now and to earn the amount of money he earns today. We felt so blessed that he would share his story with us. I told him “your mom must be so proud” and he replied “my mom passed away a few years ago”. I said “I hope she saw you be successful before she passed away”.  He bowed his head. My heart sank and he began to ask us questions of what we did back home. I told him we had a small non-profit called Living Intentionally and our goal was to help adults graduate with their GED.

Telling you this story reminds me of an encounter I had the other day. Someone that I assume is not a fan said to me “I don’t know why you think you are such a big deal because all you do is help a few people get their GED.” I know…and this is from a person that received their GED from a program just like mine. I am certain they were struggling with something much bigger than my GED program.

So you guys back to this artist. In my brokenness he was Jesus to me. I don't even know if he was a christian nonetheless he reached in and pulled hope to the surface. Someone that didn't know me brought a little healing to my being. We were done and I asked what the charge was. He said I want to gift this to you because if it wasn’t for people like you I may have not had the opportunity to get my GED and God knows where I would be now. The weeping begins without control and each tear comforts my brokenness. I tell him I can’t accept the gift. I want to pay him but he insists. Without thought I reach over, like a mother embrace him and kiss him on the cheek. I softly whisper “your mom would be so proud”.

Keep doing what you are doing. You are making a difference. You will always have naysayers but rest assured that there will always also be people that love you like Jesus.

Nickels, Dimes and Jesus

I lead a book club titled the Learners. Our second book is titled Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in American by Barbara Ehrenreich. Ms. Ehrenreich is a highly educated middle class journalist. She decides to go undercover to investigate exactly how the working class poor make it on minimum wage. It sounds much like an extra long episode of Undercover Boss. I am thrilled at the opportunity to learn.

 

This author talks in detail about the plans and hardships on finding economical and suitable housing and then without pause begins the uphill battle of seeking employment near this prized “economical” housing she has discovered. I must say I am touched by her desire to dive right in regardless of the mud and mess she encounters. All in an effort of dispelling the myths, misconceptions and stereo types of the working class poor.

She has me and I am intently hanging on to her every word. Pause. Rewind. Stop. I do not know what happened everything was going so well. Somehow, I have just been sucker punched and my desire to learn more about nickels and dimes is no longer present. The rug has just been pulled out from underneath me and for no reason at all. I do not understand why this paragraph, which does not really fit into this storyline, is here.  Somewhere in this book about poverty, she speaks of one day after work looking for something to do that would not cost money. She happens to notice a church service, taking place across the way so she decides to attend. After this excerpt in the book, all I hear is anger, criticism and judgement. She begins judging another type of human. Which I am baffled by. You cannot or rather you should not honor one human and in the same breath dishonor another merely by how he or she believes.

My heart hurts as she slyly begins to take a dig at Christianity. I continue reading even though I am jabbed from time to time. I think the perception here may be if you have met one Christian, you have met them all. The misconception is if one Christian behaves badly they all behave badly. These misconceptions of Christians are similar to those of people living in poverty. This is as absurd as saying because you have known one person in poverty taking advantage of the system they are all taking advantage of the system. Just not, so on both accounts.

If you know me you probably know I love Jesus. I am a Christian and the very thing that enables me to love my neighbor is the God I serve. I work hard to dispel myths, misconceptions and stereo types about people living in poverty.  Actually, I consider it my life’s work (Isaiah 61) and I do this because I am a Christian. These hostile characterizations and judgmental bigotries people have placed on me because I am a Christian are just not so. Yes, some people misrepresent Christianity but not all people do.

Yes, some Christians sit on the sidelines while some of us are working hard out on the field, others are coaching and calling plays and yet others sit injured in the locker room (sometimes injury caused by their fellow Christians). Some have just been recruited while others are beginning their first day of basic training. What is often excluded is the truth about how so many of these Christians are out there making touchdown after touchdown. Yet more often than not, we are all judged as if we were all that one foul mouthed player waiting to be sentenced for all his unspeakable crimes. The Jesus I serve is perfect not the people that serve him. I do not say this to give a pass to unsavory behavior displayed at times by us Christians in “training”. I say this because no one is perfect Christian or not.

My takeaway from this book has nothing to do with poverty but rather it has affirmed that we as people will judge those we do not understand. I am a Christian and in love I say to those who judge me for being a Christian, your judgments, stereotypes and misconceptions are just not so of me. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would learn that I am not a person that hates this party or that party even though some that call themselves Christians do. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would learn that I am not for children being separated from their mothers even though some of the people in the political party I am affiliated with may be. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would learn that I do not hate nor judge people that believe different than I do even though some that call themselves Christians do. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would learn that I do not hate because the color of your skin maybe different from mine even though some that call themselves Christians do.

I no longer want to learn about nickels or dimes.

 

I want to teach,

how to love,

with Love,

all people.

See me today and in May

I had the pleasure of getting together with a couple of friends this evening. We sit and speak of the need that surrounds us.  We speak with a deep desire to help those we know and with the same desire we speak of  helping those we do not know. We speak of loss, we speak of life, we speak of answered prayers and we speak of unanswered prayers. In the center of this humble place we humbly bow our heads and seek to be heard by our Maker. Peace surrounds us and in this place we pray. Yes, we pray for you.

We ask with certainty because we are certain that He hears our cry.  We pray that God allow you safety, we pray that God allow you health, we pray that God allow you provision and we pray that comfort would be upon you in this season of  Christmas. We continue and pray for those that have no home, we pray for those that have no warmth, we pray for those struggling in violent homes and we pray for those that cannot seem to find peace and yes we also pray for you.

Today my day is filled with people trickling in and out and everyone of them in need.  I don't know what it is about the holiday season but it puts me in a place where my only desire is to give. The need to want to qualify someone as worthy before I give does not seem to be present. I do not guess I am alone in this because there are more phone calls, more emails, more donations and yes more visits from people willing to help during this joyous time of year. It makes me wish it was Christmas all year round. I pray that God allow us a sweet simple reminder of the need that exist even past this Christmas season. The need is the same in December as it is in May, it is just easier to ignore the need when the Christmas spirit is not among us.  So again I pray and yes again I pray for you.

Before my head rests on my comfy pillow and I begin to bury my self within the blanket layers on a bed that sits nestled in my nice warm house. Again my head bows and tears consume me as I pray  that my heart be open not just during the Christmas season and friend please know that I love you so yes again I pray the same for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-Cp9ggX3f4

What I've learned

Its cold outside and I can't seem to find my coat. My black boots are the ones I wish I would lose but I guess that's discussion for another day. I had a birthday yesterday and well it allowed me time to pause and reflect on what I have learned this past year. I learned that I need to love more, give more and do more. Life is short and I don't want it to pass me by. I don't ever want life to have its way with me. Sometimes we are arrogant enough to believe that "it" can't happen to us and then "it" does. Not one of us is exempted from anything. All we have is this moment we are not even guaranteed the rest of the day. So there is not time for anger and hate because well that is just wasted time. It does not add anything to you or anyone else for that matter.

It has been a tough year as well a year filled with beautiful lessons. The hardest part of my year was seeing friends and family struggle with illness, death and an array of other things. I still seem to struggle with the loss of my sweet PRO intern, Lacie. It  has been months and her office is still set up. I haven't had the heart to clear her stuff off the desk and I haven't let anyone use it either. Sounds crazy but its just the way I choose to process this loss. I am reminded of all the good that can be done every time I pass by her desk. I am also reminded that we are all working through something so lets do our best to do unto others as we would want them to do unto us.

Don't let life have its way with you...live and live with intent. Do what you do on purpose and add value to everyone you come in contact with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-Cp9ggX3f4

Man behind me at the Panda Express

To the young man behind me at Panda Express. I want to share with you a little bit about me and my family. During the day I serve families that need assistance in meeting their basic needs. I work across the country in hopes of causing awareness about people living in poverty and sharing ways to better connect with people living in poverty. I do my best every day to live my purpose in life. Isaiah 61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. When I’m not at work I am a wife, mother to four beautiful children and I am Nama to a beautiful little boy named Tristan. My husband Jacob serves with in the school district. My daughter Keila serves in a different corner of the city. She serves cancer patients 8-5 Monday through Friday. My younger daughter Christian is 12 hours away at the University of Sioux Falls in South Dakota and every day she serves 22 young ladies that live on her floor. My youngest son Josh recently injured his ankle and is now recovering from surgery and he too serves at whatever capacity he is able to. Now my oldest son JD, well he is a Marine and he too recently had surgery. He was injured during training and it has taken almost two years to finally get him the surgery he has needed since his accident. It was difficult at home when my son was away at boot camp but we honored the way he chose to serve. So as his family we supported him 100%. It was hard to see our grandson struggle because his uncle was away. This little guy didn’t understand why someone he loves so much wouldn’t come home. As a family we found it difficult to sleep, at night, not knowing what our son was going through. We spent many nights on our knees in prayer.

Young man behind me at Panda Express our family has had a trying few months with injury, surgeries, loss and goodbyes.  To be completely honest it has been overwhelming. You caught me at a vulnerable moment. I was sitting in line asking God for my son.

Young man behind me at Panda Express I want you to know I am not a political person and I have recently began working on guarding my heart. Which for me simply means I am careful of what I read in the paper, social media and careful what I watch. I find it hurtful to read things like men and women choosing to kneel or sit when they should be standing in honor of the flag. A while back my son made the decision to enlist and by doing so he understood that he would serve those that honored him and his family as well as those that didn’t.  He was willing to sacrifice himself in order that others may have the freedoms we have today as well as the freedoms we are working towards.  We have come a long way in our country but we still have a long way to go.

So to those that choose to sit or kneel your lack of respect will not deter our military. Every day they will wake way before any one of us and every day they will stand watch and make sure our freedoms are intact.  So let me take this opportunity to encourage you to make your point in a different manner. Instead of sitting please stand, together we can work towards more freedoms. If you want to kneel, kneel in prayer and pray for our military and their families. Kneel to help someone out of an unwanted situation. Kneel as you lay flowers on a grave for some that has given their life for our freedom.  

 So young man behind me at the Panda Express, today I extend a heart filled thank you. Tears run down my face as I pray and ask God on your behalf. Thank you for honoring the momma of a Marine. Thank you for honoring my family. Thank you for honoring all military and their families. When you honor one of us you honor all of us but most of all thank you for honoring my Marine.

Are you a Life Changer?

Finally Friday!

I wake early dreading the events of the day before me. I gather myself just long enough to make it to my friend’s front porch. We sit sipping tea talking of the events this week has brought. This week started last Friday late in the evening. My son Josh was sliding into base and broke his ankle in two different places. When we arrived to take him to the emergency room his foot was facing the wrong direction. My baby was a trooper but his momma was not because I about passed out twice while in the ER. Little did I know at the time that last Friday would be the beginning of a very long week?

Must we have Mondays?

As you know my little sissy is fighting cancer and she is scheduled to have here port put in first thing Monday morning. I am silent in prayer asking that all goes well. Anxious because I cannot be there. I shift thoughts and I give thanks to God that on this day I celebrate because at 10:47AM, 14 years ago my Josh was born. His birthday celebration begins at the surgeon’s office as we attempt to schedule surgery for the following day. This day is almost out but not before we begin to deal with an allergic reaction to the codeine he was given to subdue the pain.

Thankfully Tuesday?

Josh is scheduled for surgery at 12:30PM I arrive at 11:00AM only to be sent home to try again at 2:00PM. Thankfully at 4:00PM we are ready and willing and at this point he is ready to eat cardboard because he hasn’t eaten since the night before. He is finally wheeled back and suddenly the clock on the wall doesn’t seem to be working as the hands move ever so slightly. Then when I cannot hold on any longer we are out and finally settled at home.

Wonderful Wednesday?

Early Wednesday morning my little sissy is scheduled for her first round of chemo and again I cannot be there to make sure she is well. So I pray and I ask for peace. Not even an hour in to her chemo my daughter receives word that her best friend’s husband has passed away unexpectedly while on his way to work. My heart hurts for this precious woman. I can’t and don’t want to imagine her brokenness. All day my heart is heavy for all of her coworkers, her family and friends. Silently I thank God for life.

Finally headed home but not before I stop to get my Josh a bite to eat.  I’m sitting in line at a fast food place and my phone rings. It is Mrs. Cook, kindly she begins to speak, informing me that our PRO intern and her momma were in a car accident earlier today. Tragically they have both passed away.

Teary Thursday!

I arrive at work and finally in my office I sit at my desk. One moment of peace before my phone again rings. It is the father of my precious intern. He speaks through broken words to let me know that his baby girl is gone. Unable to hold the tears I cry with him and ask if there is anything I can do. I am broken and at this point in the week it is too much for me to handle. So I cry out to my Father and ask that He rescue me.  Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

Friday ….

I have agreed to meet with the family and the pastor at the church. The goal is to share of the beauty this intern has left behind. Gathered in a room at the church, through brokenness we love without words and we are one for having the opportunity to have loved, even if it was only for a short while. Today I begin to prepare my heart, for the funeral that awaits us tomorrow. Sorrow will not consume me I will live in blessing and my heart will be full. Thankful that God saw fit to place this intern in my life.  I am blessed with the honor of speaking at her memorial on the day she is laid to rest. Not sure what I will say but I do know I will speak love. I know she would want me too

This week did not break me it allowed me a moment to pause, what an amazing time to be alive. Yes I know everywhere we turn there is chaos and yet beauty still surfaces. Uncertainty at every corner and still there is peace. Gently I remind you that we serve a God that is bigger than this chaos and this hurt.  There is not one of us that has time to be waiting for a certain person to be elected into office or for a new policy to be put into place.  We are not promised tomorrow. No not a one of us. All of our todays are numbered and we don’t have a single one to waste so it’s up to each of us to do something on this today.  We are each empowered to choose, daily how we will love. Will we be a Life Changer and establish peace on this earth or will we do our part to create chaos and hurt? Loving is simple, be kind to those that aren’t kind and show patience to those that aren’t patient.

Lacie White was my PRO intern and she was a Life Changer. She gave so much more than she took. She counted all people as worthy.  She loved the unlovable and she included the excluded.  She was kind to those in need of kindness. She was patient to those in need of patience. Lacie died on August 10^th 2016 and even though she has left this earth her impact on this earth and humanity will remain.

Love and live life intentionally…………

Sister

Sister

A girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others, specifically:

a. A kinswoman.

b. A woman fellow member, as of a sorority.

c. A fellow woman.

d. A close woman friend or companion.

My sisters are all of these things and often I forget that not everyone has the privilege of having a sister. Well, I am blessed and I not only have one but God has allowed me to have two. I don’t reach out and talk to them daily. I don’t text them all day long. I don’t even see them weekly. The lack of communication is me taking them for granted. In my small way of thinking I assume they will always be here and really we all know that is not the case.

Let me tell you a little about my sister Dee, just in case you haven’t had the honor of meeting her. People often say my sister and I look alike. We have similar features but our characteristics are different. I am shy and meek and she is confident and proud. She is tall, with striking beauty as well as elegant and graceful. There is nothing she cannot do. There is nothing she fears.

On April 15, 2016 my sister Artie called and in our conversation, through tears and broken words, she speaks and says my sister Dee has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I sit here still in disbelief because, well you know stuff like this just doesn’t happen to people like us. I sit in my car a little while longer just trying to grasp what I have just heard. I am stunned and unwilling to process. With intent I do not reach out to my little sister, well because you know, if I don’t see here it just won’t be true. It would take me 21 days before I would see her face to face. As I type tears still rampantly consume me. My core has been shaken but I shall not be moved.

My phone buzzes and its Dee, “Are you home? I want to stop by.” It isn’t long before I see her  car in the drive. I walk to the door and rush out to meet her. I can still feel the warmth of her hand as she reaches for me. I bring her close and she whispers, “I am afraid”. Inside, my heart breaks and feels such unexplainable pain.  I cannot fix this. I have nothing to offer. I squeeze her tighter and bring her closer, without words I assure her that this is a battle we will win. This is a battle where we will all go in swinging. I assure her that we are all in this together. I hold her as if she were but a child and my body shakes as I attempt to form words. I allow the God I know to consume me because I can no longer tolerate this pain. My God is faithful and I know the God I serve loves her more than I do. My God is not shaken by this circumstance. 

I am weary and I need God to step in. I cannot find the words to pray. I am in desperate need of my Savior. He is the mightiest Warrior I know. Regardless of what we face, He is faithful. I will let go now and let Him, not because it’s easy but because I know He is willing and able. At any moment of the day tears still freely consume me. Unashamed of this deep love I have for my sisters I trust God, Do you?

My sister has made a bold choice in this battle and we await surgery. We ask that you keep her, her children and her husband in your prayers as she fights this fight and we ask that you pray for all those that fight a similar battle with this thing called Cancer.

The Hustle and Bustle of Christmas

All the hustle and bustle the holiday brings is enough to put each one of us into a panic. So let me be the one to give you permission, yes permission. Permission to slow down, to pause and to share in the stillness the season offers. Sit, even if it is just for a minute and watch the peace that surrounds you. Color like when you were little. Sing along with the radio, no one can hear you anyway. Take a walk and if no one is watching, dance a little too. No twerking because someone may be watching. Take the long way home and enjoy the glimmering lights. Eat another cookie, they only appear once a year anyway. Warning too many cookies could be hazardous to your health and your hips.

While in line for expensive coffee enjoy the music. People watch as you sit waiting for the light to turn green. At every other light roll down your window and take in a breath of fresh air. Don't worry about getting the closest parking spot at the mall. The walk will help work off those cookies. Love because there is not enough love out there. Be kind because someone out there needs it. Be patient, yes even in traffic.

Stop the hurriedness! That one gift you can’t find or can’t afford doesn’t really matter. Don’t worry about the size of gifts under the tree, no one will remember what you got them next year anyway. Give joy and give lots of it. It costs us nothing because the price for it was paid many years ago.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people." - Luke 2:10

Sometimes I'm not so thankful

The wind billows outside my bedroom window. It is fierce and it brings a chill to my core. This atmosphere perfectly suites my attitude. Because today I am lacking thankfulness and I feel a bit under the weather as well. If you know me you know not feeling well doesn't stop me, it just irritates me. I probably should warn my volunteer of my attitude. This attitude might make for a long day. We have much to do, donations to pick up and things to get in order before Thanksgiving arrives.  

While out and about I watch as people hurriedly prepare for this day of giving thanks. I notice a few with similar attitudes maybe they aren't feeling well either. As the day takes charge my heart weakens. I pause often and I think of my Girl and my Marine. They are both so far away, each one of them on opposite sides of the country.  I am not so thankful today. 

Today I avoid Facebook, because even with all its wonder some days it also holds plenty of pettiness. Somedays there is so much senseless conversation. Conversation about red cups, copy and paste if you love your son, like and share if you love Jesus and well you get it, silliness at its best. There is also many times people spill their hatred and spout reasons why some humans are worthy and why some are not. The other day someone shared that we should take care of our homeless veterans before we take care of any refugee, but yet sometimes, those that speak those words have never and will never lift a finger to personally help a veteran. Oh yes and please allow me to share my favorite topic, there are many who think we should send our military over seas. They say "we" need to eradicate terrorists. That one really gets under my skin because in my opinion you need not speak of when and why we should put our military’s lives on the line. Especially if you are not serving, have never served or do not have family that has served or that is currently serving.

A little bitter because I don't get to have my Marine around my dinner table for thanksgiving. A little upset because my grand baby doesn't understand why his uncle isn't home. At age 5 he doesn't know why his uncle is sacrificing time away from him. He doesn't know what freedom is and sometimes when we speak, we speak out of turn and sometimes we forget the freedom we speak with was paid by someone else. So please don't offer our men and women up so freely. Be mindful that they are someone's sons and daughters.

Obviously, in this moment I desperately search for goodness. I want to see goodness in this world so full of hurt and suffering. I sit in my car debating with God. At this point no one else can handle my pettiness. I think I may be wearing him too, as I set my boundaries and explain to Him, "God if the next stop doesn't go as planned, I’m not doing it. God, I am not speaking in places that are uncomfortable. I am not stretching myself beyond new borders. I struggle with change God. I am only speaking where I am most comfortable. God are you really asking me to do this?"

Not happy, I make my way out of my car and the unpleasant look on my face is enough to make anyone head in the other direction. Hastily I make my way into the building and of course things don’t go in my favor. So again I say to Him. “I am not doing it.” My body trembles and tears form. I will not give in. Sweetly, I feel a gentle tug from a small corner of my heart. I am reminded of John 3:16. I hesitate to listen because somewhere inside I know He is right. He is always right. Through clenched teeth as I make my way back to my car I speak out loud, as if He walks beside me I say “really God,  John 3:16”. What does that have to do with this matter?" Then out of my mouth I begin to speak  John 3:16….."For God so loved the world". Instantly I acknowledge that He indeed walks beside me and I am loved and I am humbled. I bow my head and tears flow. "Yes Lord, It is not about me, it is about all those around me. Those near and those on the other side of the world." I shrink in my shallowness and quickly say, "I am sorry".

It is about more than a darn red cup, it is about more than copy, paste and share or like if you love Jesus. Yes folks it is about more than just me and how I feel and maybe it is about more than just you.      
                           
It's about love. It's about loving even when you don't want to. It's about loving even when you don't think others deserve it. It's about looking for the good within all the bad. Its about being thankful even when you think there is nothing to be thankful for. It isn't easy but do it anyway, reach deep and find something to be thankful about. I assure you there is much to be thankful for and I promise it will allow joy. I will no longer sit and wallow because my children are not near. I will be thankful that they are safe and I will be thankful that they still are hear on this earth. I will put action behind these words I speak. I will live by them. I will love because I know full well that Love creates an atmosphere of Hope.

 Hope maybe the doorway to Peace.

Be Grateful

When it rains it pours. An officer walks in the front door. I approach him and extend my hand, to shake his. He begins to speak, with great detail, about this momma he has brought to see me. My thoughts pause and I begin to wonder why this world has so much hurt to offer. I want peace for this world I live in. I want to impact people. I want to add value to people. I want to love people. I want to show kindness. Would these things allow peace?

I step outside to greet her and the sun kisses my face and a small breeze softly comforts me. Outside I notice a momma unloading her belongings. She places her make shift luggage on the sidewalk next to my building. I reach for her and she slowly bows her head. I tell her “I am so proud of you”, because I know she has escaped a place of hurt. I tell her “Honey you did good. I am so proud of you. Are you proud of yourself?” Gently she nods yes.  I walk her in and we work through the mess and all the red tape that it takes to get her to a safe place. The process is not pleasant, she looks defeated and I feel helpless. My heart hurts and my eyes well up with tears. A Life Changer brings her food and pads and other things she does not have access to. Things I take for granted.

I begin to be thankful. I am thankful for my bed. I am thankful for my blankets. I am thankful for my pillow. I am thankful for my curtains. I am thankful for my TV. I am thankful for my cable. I am thankful for my clothes. I am thankful for my shoes. I am thankful for my bras and underwear. I am thankful for my bathroom. I am thankful for my bathroom mat. I am thankful for my tub. I am thankful for running water. I am thankful for electricity. I am thankful for shampoo. I am thankful for conditioner. I am thankful because I sit in the same room with a woman that has none of these things. Everything she owns in this life fits in 6 small plastic bags. Are you thankful for all that you have or like me do you take things for granted? Ephesians 5:20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The van that has been sent to pick her up is parked outside. She stands alone with nothing and there is no one. She seems unsure and I assure her all will be well. She softly speaks “Can you hug me?” I hug her and as I squeeze her tightly. I bring her in as I would my own children. I silently pray that she may experience love. I pray that she feels the love I have for her. I pray that her needs would be met. I pray for courage. I pray for peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that she experience perfect love. The kind of love that only God can offer.

Be grateful. Be kind and love someone. Love someone that doesn’t know how to love you back.

Love

It’s been a tough day.

My day is planned and I have no room for interruptions or inconveniences. It is a day jammed packed with busy work. You know, I have much to do but nothing to accomplish. I’m spent in every which way a person can be spent, and then the phone rings.  I don’t know that I have an emotion I care to share at this point, as I have a momma sitting in an office awaiting for her children to be taken from her. I look into her eyes and there is nothing. I don’t seem to understand and still I sit unable to offer judgment. Momma is pale and 30 lbs. lighter, since I saw her last. I stress at the fact that I will have to see those children. I am stumped at how I should help but in this moment I don’t know how to offer hope. Momma sits unable to make sense of this. Her emotions have taken her to a place so far from where we sit. I don’t have words, so I say nothing. I sit and attempt to love her without words. I wonder if this is what Jesus meant when He said love.

It’s easy to love those that look like us, those that make “good choices”, those that dress like us, those that come in a tidy clean package, and certainly easy to love those that respond to our love. Not so easy to love those that don’t look like us, those that don’t make “good choices”,  those that don’t dress like us, those that don’t come in tidy clean packages, and those that don’t respond to our love. I am under the impression that at times we believe we have the right to qualify others as worthy, before we attempt to love. Well, I have news, we don’t have the right to pick and choose who we can love! We are called to “love our neighbor as ourselves”, regardless.   

Here I sit in a room full of nothing, a room full of material things and yet the room is vacant. I ask momma if I can hug her. She nods her head no. I hug her anyway and there is nothing. I just don’t understand that kind of pain. This momma is unable to receive love. I sit silently because that is all I can do. Is this an act of love? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. This is perfect love and this is how we are expected to love.

It’s time to say goodbye and we step out of this emptiness and walk into a hollow hall. The space around us is void and it seems to consume us. As we turn the corner I glance over and there in the door way are the children. I go to them and look into their eyes, there is nothing. Again I have no emotion to share. Finally outside and I am sustained by my Maker. I watch as the car that holds this family, drives away. I quietly pray and ask that these kids may be loved in a way that creates an atmosphere of hope.

I am broken and this is just the beginning of my day. There are challenges around every corner. I have an appointment that forces me to go to a quiet place, a place where love abounds. I sit while she works on my hair and she listens as I share my heart. This Life Changer allows me to share my emotions and she validates me without words. I feel like maybe the disciples felt while Jesus washed their feet. I am loved without judgment and I am blessed by her words.

It is Friday and it’s late. My body does not seem to be cooperating and I still have to load my SUV. A momma is in need. She has left her home in order to seek love for her being. I quietly pray for help and a Life Changer passes by. She kindly asks if she may be of assistance. I explain, I am good and still she stands at the door way ready to serve.  I don’t not share with her that my physical body is not wanting to cooperate and yet she manages to load all the heavy items. I am grateful beyond words.

Oh no there is no happily ever after today but I can’t carry this with me. So I write it and when I hit send it no longer belongs to me. Love I assure you someone needs it.

Hope Arises

Join me as I whine for a bit.

Saturday and I wake to an empty house. My husband has left the house early and my little one stayed the night at a friend’s house. Sadness consumes me as I sit here alone, perplexed, wondering where the time has gone. It was just yesterday that my babies were babies. Yet today I have adults living their dream. On a Saturday, 20 years ago, the house wouldn’t be silent. It would be filled with the hustle and bustle of cereal bowels and conversation of what cartoon should grace the screen. My heart hurts as memories of bathing and changing my babies flood my being. Years ago I was so eager to have them grown and today my only wish is to once again be able to hold them as babes. When my children were younger I spent too much time cleaning, too much time making sure everything was just right. I worked too much and just did not play enough. If I could go back it would be different. We were young parents and just didn’t know what we were doing. We gave it our best and even with our best it is a miracle that our beautiful babies survived our parenting skills. My beautiful girl is on track to graduate college this summer, I couldn’t be prouder. My first born baby boy is a Marine, I couldn’t be prouder. My baby girl is running for University of Sioux Falls, I couldn’t be prouder. My baby boy is experiencing his first week of junior high football, I couldn’t be prouder. Even with all their success, today I am struggling. Selfishly desiring to still have them at arm’s length. I am an emotional wreck. I watch from a distance as my babies live life. I can no longer swoop in to rescue them from harm or hurt that this world is certain to offer them. Living my purpose in life has been a struggle this week as all I can think of is my babies. Oh but don’t fret, rest assured that even in all my self-centeredness and deep within my little pity party, God finds a way to gently remind me of my calling in life.

I have been afforded the opportunity to work in a capacity that allows me to help people that are struggling. Today I am the one struggling, as my emotions take me. I love serving but in this moment I am caught up in self and I am no help. When working in selfishness it is easier to cause more harm than help. I think at times we all have the tendency to get caught up with meetings, phone calls, emails and busyness. Staying connected with our “Ultimate Why”, the reason we do what we do. Is crucial when living our purpose in life. My belief is, if we do what we do, in love, whatever that maybe, we create an atmosphere of hope. We each have the ability to create an atmosphere of hope and when hope arises its game on baby.

As humans we all desire purpose, we all desire belonging and we all desire to do for others. So what if we did for others what we desperately desired during a time in our life, when we ourselves were struggling. If we lacked love, then what if we loved someone. If we lacked food, then what if we feed someone. If we lacked clothes, then what if we clothed someone. If we were never included, then what if we included someone. It’s simple, really.

My last phone call of the day. A woman speaks and says “Mrs. Moreno I was given your name and I am hoping you can help.” She goes on to explain her life’s circumstance. I know right away that I will have to put my plans aside and serve. I will have to pause my pity party in order to serve this family. Not exactly my plan for today. I was eager to head home and wallow in a bowl of chips. I agree to meet the family at a local store and assist with clothing for school. I arrive and I am greeted with a warm welcome. Her eyes, so grateful and instantly my heart begins to heal. I look over at the children and no eye contact is offered, I struggle to keep it together. This mother hands me hope, without words. I am grateful and humbled to serve. The shame the children carry,  for not having what they need is unbearable. Still they love with the little they have and softly I am reminded of my purpose. Their desire,  is to belong in this school setting.  Their desire, is to be included. Their desire is hope. I hand them a food card before I leave and I am hugged and loved as they whisper, “we had nothing to eat tonight”. My heart is thankful that I can serve. I get in my car and we make eye contact once more. I see her and she matters. They matter. I see them as human therefore I love. Hope arises yes even in the middle of this mess.

Serve each other.   

Road Trip

Ok so let’s talk about what we do when we are on a road trip. Can we all say it together…eat. It sounds better when we say snack and that is exactly what I have been doing since I left my house. I have been snacking. So I figure if I attempted to write down my thoughts my hands may become occupied with the keyboard and they would stop putting stuff in my mouth.

A couple of weeks ago I was evaluating my health and my eating habits. So I decided I would start running because, well let’s face it I am not coordinated enough to do anything else. Truth be told, I’ve tried Zumba. Because of that escapade there is probably a poster at the door of every Zumba establishment within a hundred miles. It reads something like this. “WARNING: Do not let this person in and it has a picture of me attempting to do Zumba. Just a few months ago I attempted Yoga. Go ahead get a mental picture. Mmm yes it was bad. So I think I’ll stick with running. I am happy to report that last night I noticed that two of my four butt cheeks aren’t as apparent as they were two weeks ago.

Obviously I am not good with staying within the boundaries of first level disclosure during a conversation. If I was you would probably have stopped reading long ago.

This past week I had the pleasure of taking my 4 year old grand baby to work with me. It was his first opportunity to serve others. We started with going to a local food pantry to gather food for a family in need. I allowed him to pack one of the boxes and he grabbed food that he liked, off the shelf. I am sure the two children that received the food appreciated his efforts. When we were done at the pantry we headed to drop off some clothes and then he was ready for a snack. We then went to my office and in all his innocence he was eager to help unload the car.

This adventure reminded me of when I first started serving. There was this innocence in giving. There was none of this trying to qualify others as worthy before I gave. I just gave. It’s true that when we give, give and give we have a tendency to forget why we are giving. We can easily fall prey to compassion fatigue. We go, go and go and at the end of the day we have nothing left. We over extend ourselves and the word “NO” disappears from our vocabulary. It’s a wonder that we can still function. When we give of ourselves we often end up emotionally spent by the end of the day. It is a must to refuel and to be intentional about it. Self-care what a concept.

Do you remember the story of the woman that washed Jesus feet with the alabaster jar of perfume? Just in case you don't I'll jog your memory, it goes something like this. At the beginning of Luke you find that Jesus had been teaching and serving. You even find Jesus in the temple teaching the Pharisees and what does he teach on? You guessed it, serving the poor. Someone handed him the scroll of Isaiah and what does He choose to read? Right again! He reads “the Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed,” The book of Luke continues and says he is healing people left and right and somewhere in between He calls us to love. Finally in chapter 7 Jesus decides to have dinner at a friend’s house and I can only assume He is tired. The word states that Jesus reclined at the table. Then this woman shows up and decides she wants to allow Him, well let’s just say “self-care” maybe. Yes just maybe Jesus was teaching us a little about self-care. With no guilt attached.  So go on servants of the most high, relax and enjoy so that your giving heart may be replenished. Take care of you so that you can continue serving with love.

Ok so I should stop writing at this point but I have something to share and it doesn’t fit anywhere, it’s just random but I just can’t keep it to myself any longer. So here it goes. Ok so a while back I was scheduled to speak at an event. It was a good size event and I was seated eating my dinner before I took the stage. A gentleman takes the seat next to me and we begin to converse. We did the, what do you do chat, the weather chat and well you know your typical I don’t know you conversation. Really it’s much more pleasant than to sit there awkwardly in silence. Then about 15 minutes in he asks, “What are you?” I reply with “I get asked this a lot. I assume you think I am Philippine? He said, “Actually yes”. I reply “actually I am Mexican both my parents are from Mexico. He sits back in his chair and says. “Wow”. You are amazingly beautiful. Long pause………. My cousin Diana at this point would say …”wait for it… wait for it”. Then he finishes the complement with … for a Mexican. Yes he said I was amazing beautiful for a Mexican. I smiled and said “uhh thank you?!?! In total love because I truly believe he didn’t know any better. I waited for my introduction and said excuse me and then I took the stage.

Love people it cost absolutely nothing and it gives others absolutely everything. Jesus did!!

Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman

Luke 7:36-38 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. ³⁷ A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. ³⁸ As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

So I think...

So I believe no one is promised tomorrow. But chances are good that I will see my son again, soon. As comforting as that sounds, that still does not take away the ache in my heart. That still does not keep me from asking on his behalf, daily. That still does not keep me from allowing tears to capture me daily. And that still doesn’t keep me from grieving.

So this makes me think about loss in a deeper way.  I struggle with my son being gone. Sometimes I sit and say to myself, “Goodness this is silly”. So many tears and he is just at boot camp. He will be back. We receive a weekly update on what our recruit is going through weekly. Not sure this is something a mother should read. So after I read, I think. Maybe my struggle is that I know what his struggles are and maybe that’s what makes it so hard.

Well this boot camp has impacted not just him but our family.  So much so, that we have had to join a support group to cope with this sadness. I struggle smiling. I struggle keeping a conversation. Especially with people that have nothing to say. No I’m not trying to be rude I’m just trying to be real. No one is perfect especially me! You know people that just speak to be heard but say nothing? Yes I try and add value to all but it seems to be a little harder than usual these days. There is just so much going on in this beautiful world of ours and I just don’t think we use our time and talents wisely by sitting around and chatting about things that don’t matter. We could be out there living intentionally, every minute of every day that we are on this earth. Living life in a way that makes other people’s lives better. Maybe like handing out Hope rather than taking it.

So because I am always trying to look at the bigger picture. I was thinking of the mother that has truly lost her son. I mean lost in a way that she will not see him until we are on the other side of glory. I can’t even wrap that around my mind. I have nowhere to put that thought.

Ok so this may get a little uncomfortable for you if you don’t know Jesus. But I have found that by sharing what I feel. Truly does allow me a way to get through my struggles. Please don’t continue reading if you don’t want to.

So I was thinking, when God saw us, His children messing up here on earth. He might have said to Himself, my kids need freedom, freedom from sin. He might have said (John 3:16), my children need me and I love them so very much that I’m sending my son, Jesus. The Father knew full well what Jesus struggles would be. This blows me away that He would still send Him. I think that we hear that so casually and it’s not. His son! He sacrificed His son! He sent us Jesus so that we might be free from sin. Wow talk about putting things into perspective. I deserved nothing and yet He saw me as worthy.

Next time I think I’m sacrificing something. I might look at what Jesus sacrificed for me. My faith keeps me going.

When your heart aches

So it’s been a while and as I walk my purpose in life, I find it more challenging to share my thoughts. Well that is until today.

If you know me you know my precious son JD left for boot camp early Monday morning. I can’t even explain how I feel about that. I did my best to ignore that he was even leaving. That is until Sunday morning. I wake early not knowing what to do. I wash clothes, do some dishes, vacuum, clean my bathroom, put some clothes away and well anything and everything that I can do to get my mind off my child leaving. Yes my child. We can’t assume to know unless it’s our child.

We are scheduled to attend church with JD this morning, as they will pray for him before he checks in at 3:00. I sit numb in a pew surrounded by many and yet I feel alone. Tears consume my face for no reason. I feel Jacob’s arms tenderly around me. The lights are dim and worship begins… in my Father’s house. A place where I seek refuge, a place of peace and acceptance.

I cannot comprehend the thought of boot camp for my son. This is not my desire for his life. Why can’t he be 6 again? I am his mother and I can no longer protect him from this world. I am broken and nothing makes sense. I sit waiting for God to hear my cry, the cry of a mother. And then gently a melody begins to play. “Lord, I come I confess. Bowing here, I find my rest and without you I fall apart. You’re the one that guides my heart. Lord I need you. Oh, I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense my righteousness. Oh God how I need you.”

I had no idea how literal these words would be for the days to follow. I am home after watching my children bid a farewell to their brother. This picture is forever painted on my heart. Few words are spoken as I hold my son. Broken, I am broken.

Jacobs embrace allows me sleep. I wake every hour and gently whisper, “Lord I need you, Oh I need you.” I wake with the same words in my mouth. I go through my day and sometimes I can’t even get through a thought before again I cry out, “Lord I need you, Oh I need you.”

Does the hurt ever subside? I don’t know but I know I will see my son “in a little while”. How about the mother that has lost her son to a car accident? How about the child that has lost their parent to Alzheimer’s? How about the husband that has lost his wife to cancer? How about the mother that has lost her child to drugs? What am I doing to ease their hurt? What are you doing to ease their hurt?

In my distress friends and family have been in prayer for our family and have reached out through email, phone and text. So this makes me think. My struggle is but a mere wink when measured to a hurting world. So because God doesn’t waste my tears, what can I learn? I can live my days with intent and love those who are hurting. Isaiah 61 says “He has sent me to heal the broken hearted”. Yes, God is telling us once again to love.

Even in the cloudiness I wake to. I cling to my faith and I am reminded that He loves me and allows me “uncommon strength.” In my life and my sons life Jeremiah 29 :11 says “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Uncommon strength allows one to love like John 15:13 says “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends”. My son has “uncommon strength”. How many of us could love like this? I pray what my good friend prayed for me last night.  I pray that He will give you uncommon strength. Strength to love others even those that don’t look or live just like you.

 

If you are hurting these are for you, yes you.

1. Job 5:11: "He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn are lifted to safety."

2. Psalm 27:13-14: "I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be strong, and may your heart be stout; wait on the Lord."

3. Isaiah 41:10: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

4. John 16:33: "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But be of good cheer. I have overcome the world." 

5. Romans 8:28: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose"

6. Romans 8:37-39: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

7. Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit."

8. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble by the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

9. Philippians 4:6: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God."

10. Hebrews 13:5: "Let your lives be without love of money, and be content with the things you have. For He has said: 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.'"

The "church"

Oh goodness, where do I even start? It has taken me a few weeks to process my fourth adventure with this thing called Poverty Simulation. Well that’s what this guy Jimmy calls it. I don’t know that I agree with him so I will refer to it as a "glimpse of homelessness". 

So the goal with each adventure is to take a team of six professionals from the community. My hope is that they would be emptied and then filled again through this experience. It serves as a reminder of why and how we should serve others. This particular outing would prove to be the most challenging one yet.  Days before we are scheduled to leave, half our team drops out and to top it off, this week the naysayers were louder than usual. So loud in fact that I had to use Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms, for most of the week. I shutter at the mere thought of me having to endure this weekend, emotionally spent. Because obviously it is all about me, right!

I consider scrapping this adventure but I am louder than my naysayers so I make the journey anyway. My naysayers well they kind of drive me. I want to do more every time they hate out loud. In my odd way of being maybe just maybe there are days when I want to give them something to talk about. Ok maybe I'm just being tacky now, so I'll stop.

Lets get back to my adventure. Friday and we have arrived in Waco. I am ready to get this thing going and over with. I’m focused on just getting this thing done. I decide I’m going to look at this adventure as if it were a Band-Aid. Yes a Band-Aid, you know, the quicker you strip off a Band-Aid the less painful it is. Well that’s the idea anyway, but probably not quite how it works most of the time. Friday evening and we are preparing to get the show on the road and of course I sit in anticipation. I look over at my colleagues and I am certain I see fear in their eyes. One is told she cannot keep any of her items and tears fill her eyes. My heart hurts as she is in need and I cannot help. She is afraid and I cannot comfort her. She reaches unknowing what she is even reaching for. Out under the stars yet we manage the best we can and make it through the night. I have never been camping but I assume this is what its like. Well without the tent, food, water and campfire. I guess.

Saturday morning and we are already hungry. Did I tell you we have a team of three at this point? Yes I am complaining. Well, not for long because as we are walking down this treacherous street, not. One of our team members trips and hurts her foot, so off to urgent care she goes. I’m not too good at math but it’s clear we are down to two. I am asking God if He needs my help with planning how my adventure should go. He doesn't respond.

Not sure what time it is but we are hungry and worried that we will not find food. Yes “we realize this is just a “simulation” but still I reach for Matthew 11:30 “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." We have walked for a while and I’m just not as young as I use to be so again, I am tired and hungry. Have I said that enough? I’ve had a tough week and I am just spent. I look over at my colleague and express my need to pray. She politely allows my need to be met. We stop in the middle of nowhere and yet in the center of everything. I grab her hands and we bow our heads and I pray. I tell God I trust him and I tell Him I believe Him and I ask Him to rescue us. We say amen and begin to walk again. We take 5 to 7 steps and out of nowhere we hear a woman yell in our direction, “Hey are you hungry? I put my hand on my heart and whisper to my Savior, “you heard me.” I think to my self, did I really trust Him? Did I really believe Him?

We hurriedly make our way across the street. I hear Him whisper, Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” I cannot hold in the tears and I cannot wait to get to where this voice is calling for me. My tears, they cover my dirty face and my body can not contain my excitement and again He whispers, Matthew 6:25-26 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

At this point I look over at my colleague and she too allows the tears to wash her face. It’s really unexplainable and there are no words. We know that all we have to do is get to the “church” and all will be well. There is a man standing outside of a doorway and I can see he struggles with addiction and even with that reality, there is safety in this “church” we are walking towards. Mathew 21:13"It is written," he said to them, "'My house will be called a house of prayer,' but you are making it 'a den of robbers." We are not the cleanest of people at this point in the day and yet the “church’ embraces us. They are not concerned with how we look, how we smell or how we got here. They embrace us as I imagine Jesus would if He still walked this earth. We gather as one and bow our heads in prayer. Everything that He has just whispered is repeated by the “church” in prayer. Their love for us is deep and wide and without condition. We cannot speak as His presence has embraced us and qualified us as worthy. They love us with food and something to drink. Again He whispers, Matthew 25:35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,

His message is clear, His “church” is not a building but rather people that will take Isaiah 61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to heart.

We stand in the parking lot of an apartment complex and it is unsavory to say the least. There is nothing right about this place and yet the peace I feel is overwhelming. A woman approaches and she too is offered worth. I cannot make sense of the safety that abounds in this parking lot.  We walk away embracing each other and still no words are spoken. We find a church building and take the shade it offers. We sit thankful for provision. We have just experienced an encounter with God.

Humbly my colleague finds words and she softly speaks, “I didn’t believe God was real .....until today”. Imagine a “church” without walls that would love like Jesus and allow a way for salvation in the midst of this “simulation”. In all this mess we would see Jesus.